(Sophomore year @ Rick's College...Missy, Sonia, Debbie and me...weekend trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming) Excuse me and my incessant need to over think and over analyze EVERYTHING! I read the below on "she who shall remain nameless's" blog about 24 hours ago and quite frankly it is all that I can think about.
"I turned on the TV and the history channel was spotlighting bull riding and a few particular horrific rides. You first have to know that this vent is coming from a girl who wore a cowboy hat for several years while working on a farm blaring Brooks N Dunn as loud as possible in her car. I spent the night in the Cow Barn at the Fair, screamed during the bull riding events and had friends participating in the demolition derby. And I had a custom painted license plate in my back window that said "Country Girl Can Survive" that I proudly displayed on my way to weekly line dancing. See, this is why my blog is private. Because I have now shared the most demoralizing, embarrassing part of my life that I try to forget most days. A lot of it came from the environment I lived in, and there were moments on the farm that I wouldn't trade for the world. But all in all, this was not me. This was me playing, and trying to fit in, and follow the crowd. It had "fun" moments, but my spirit was not being used for what it was intended. I truly feel unrelated to this person now, for which I am grateful only to a loving Father in Heaven who helped steer me back to the land of the living. "
(So much for your "private" blog...lol)
The reason I cannot get this out of my head is specifically the quote "This was not me. This was me playing, and trying to fit in, and follow the crowd."
I, personally, so identify with this quote. At one point in my life my nickname was "The Chameleon" due to the fact that you could take me anywhere with any group of people and I had the skills to acclimate myself to "fit in". This was not a new trait for that time in my life...I have had that trait for a long time and perfected it over the years for the sole use of self preservation. Yet I do not believe that it was a conscious state of being until much later in life. This chameleon-like ability is a great asset in a running buddy but not such a great trait in knowing and loving oneself. You see...the greatest protection that the chameleon has is to make itself disappear and by following the crowd and trying to fit in I was unconsciously allowing myself to disappear in the process.
Yet...my views of the world have forever been changed because of the gift of losing myself.
"I turned on the TV and the history channel was spotlighting bull riding and a few particular horrific rides. You first have to know that this vent is coming from a girl who wore a cowboy hat for several years while working on a farm blaring Brooks N Dunn as loud as possible in her car. I spent the night in the Cow Barn at the Fair, screamed during the bull riding events and had friends participating in the demolition derby. And I had a custom painted license plate in my back window that said "Country Girl Can Survive" that I proudly displayed on my way to weekly line dancing. See, this is why my blog is private. Because I have now shared the most demoralizing, embarrassing part of my life that I try to forget most days. A lot of it came from the environment I lived in, and there were moments on the farm that I wouldn't trade for the world. But all in all, this was not me. This was me playing, and trying to fit in, and follow the crowd. It had "fun" moments, but my spirit was not being used for what it was intended. I truly feel unrelated to this person now, for which I am grateful only to a loving Father in Heaven who helped steer me back to the land of the living. "
(So much for your "private" blog...lol)
The reason I cannot get this out of my head is specifically the quote "This was not me. This was me playing, and trying to fit in, and follow the crowd."
I, personally, so identify with this quote. At one point in my life my nickname was "The Chameleon" due to the fact that you could take me anywhere with any group of people and I had the skills to acclimate myself to "fit in". This was not a new trait for that time in my life...I have had that trait for a long time and perfected it over the years for the sole use of self preservation. Yet I do not believe that it was a conscious state of being until much later in life. This chameleon-like ability is a great asset in a running buddy but not such a great trait in knowing and loving oneself. You see...the greatest protection that the chameleon has is to make itself disappear and by following the crowd and trying to fit in I was unconsciously allowing myself to disappear in the process.
Yet...my views of the world have forever been changed because of the gift of losing myself.
I picked Sociology as a major for a reason...
What a Sociologist does is immerse themselves into a specific culture of people. They learn the language, the traditions, the ways of life with the littlest amount of disruption possible. They participate as deemed appropriate to gain trust and understanding during the process. When the assignment is over they walk away with a life long gift...an "insider's view" of another culture...of something they otherwise never would have understood or may even have known existed.
I myself have always been attracted to specific people. In the past...if I met someone and I was attracted to who they were as an individual and I wanted to know more about them. That would begin my process of Chameleon like behavior.
This gift has brought me not only some of my favorite parts about myself that I might not have found without living life though another's eyes but the following fun experiences to share...
*Fishing off a covered bridge with a campfire in the background...talking all night with one of my favorite "boys" in the world.
*Singing on the steps on the Lincoln Memorial and being pictured in the Washington Post for it.
*Sitting at every Utah State Football game in the freezing cold drinking "yummy" hot chocolate and learning to love and understand the game.
*Watching Tori Amos perform to 500 people with just a microphone and a piano...AMAZING!
*The ability to beat my husband at Madden
*Sneaking to a local spot while in HS to watch the bass guitarist I loved...play his hard rock and swing that long hair that I thought was so sexy.
*Going 4 wheeling, putting on a cowboy hat, and admitting that all country songs aren't that bad. (they tried to break me...but I guess I just never found the right person to take me down the country road)
and that is just to name a few. In losing myself, and experiencing other's ways of life, I was able to find myself...I believe more quickly than I would have without my chameleon ways. I still have some of these tendencies...I still am attracted to specific people but now I am quick to lay myself out there with a take it or leave it attitude because if you can put up with the person I know that I am "the chameleon which now refuses to disappear" the Sociologist in me will still watch quietly and methodically pick your brain...lol
So to...Ms "unrelated to that person now" pull out that cowboy hat and boots...even if only for your man...and ride 'em cowgirl!
At least there was no camouflage in your wedding dress...lol :)
2 comments:
this really is the beginning of the making of a great children's book
WOW - can I say whoa! That took my breath away a little and I'm not too sure why but I felt a little naked :-) But you are not in trouble - duh. You will not be surprised that I absolutely loved Sociology as well and even considered it as a major. But then again, being a fellow "chameleon", I considered many, many majors :-) And camouflage on my wedding dress LOL LOL LOL.
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